What NOT to do in life...

{Dear Eisley}

I want to tell you about a few mistakes I've made in life. As your older & wiser mother, I want to share this with you so that you do not make some of the same mistakes I have made. Hopefully I can save you some grief in life. I want to list some, lest I forget!

So, my dear daughter, don't do the following:

1. Fart in front of your pastor and blame it on another kid. He knows.

2. Seek fun with your friends by driving up to shopping carts in parking lots and pushing them with your car, working up speed, and then brake and watch the cart soar across the lot. Hitting another car with the speeding cart is inevitable. I know this from experience. {Note: Especially don't do it just weeks after getting your first driver's license. And ESPECIALLY don't do this when there's a beautifully restored classic Ford Mustang in the lot.}

3. Stir the pot for fun. Even though it often is amusing, it's also mean.

4. Dress the pets up in your nicest dresses and parade them through your parents bedroom when they're still asleep on a Saturday morning. Believe me, they'll think it's a lot funnier if you do it after they wake up and have had some coffee.

5. Cut up your mom's sewing projects in attempt to make even better sewing projects. She won't be impressed.

6. Go to college and: take multiple prescriptions known to cause weight gain, wear only lounge clothes and never your sized jeans so you don't realize when they don't fit anymore, not work out in rebellion for the last 4 years of forced high school gym class, not have a full-length mirror, and let yourself splurge at the college dining hall one too many times (to be fair, the salad bar WAS disgusting). Trust me -- recipe. for. disaster. It's okay to gain a little weight in college but if you do all of the above you're soooo asking for it.

7. Let friendships dissolve just because you want to prove a point {even when you're right ;-) }

8. Not save at least some of your money.

9. Get credit cards. They're the devil. Seriously, watch this if you don't believe me.

10. Stop learning a musical instrument once you've started. You'll regret it...

11. Set booby traps for Santa.

12. Go too far with your sense of humor. Your 2nd grade teacher might not find it as amusing as you do when, say, you draw a "Kick Me" sign on Martin Luther's back when studying the Reformation. {Post edit for clarity: I'm talking about Martin Luther the theologian. NOT the civil rights activist.}

13. Climb up cliffs without adult supervision. Especially when staying with grandma. Thank God she didn't have a heart attack that day.

14. Run from a horse when it charges you.

15. Try and reason with your philosophy professor in college. Especially if he looks just like Snape. That should have been my first clue not to contradict him.

16. When sledding, and your dad is at the bottom of the hill watching you come down and you *think* he's saying, "Steer towards the tree! Steer towards the tree!"... he's probably not.

And that's all I can think of right now. We all make mistakes, but if I can save you from a few of the ones I've made then I've done my job.

Love,
{MOM}