Violet, where are you?

In an hour I will be 12 days past my estimated due date. Or 10, if you go by the internet's EDD instead of my doctor's. Either way...

SERIOUSLY??? You're killing me, kiddo.

Earlier in this pregnancy I had some serious doubts I'd make it to February. Then I made it to February and I thought, "Will I make it to my due date on the 4th?"

And then the 4th came... and then freaking Valentine's Day. And still, this kid is not budging.

And I'm not so happy about it.

I know that I should be. I should just be thankful I'm pregnant and healthy and that Violet is healthy. But there is something about being 38+ weeks pregnant. Once you hit a point {I say around the 38th week} you go completely irrational in your thinking. It's like being insane, I know the logical side of all of this, but I'm still absolutely crazed with all sorts of wild thoughts that make no sense.

For example, I am sincerely convinced that I'm going to be pregnant forever. At this point, I see no other possibility. I'm stuck in this state. Three weeks of nightly false labor is not helping, either. By the time this is over, Justin could very well have more hair than me.

I also see other pregnant women and think completely nasty thoughts towards them. I have cat fights with them in my head, "You think you're more pregnant than me?! NO ONE is more pregnant than me!"

Then there are the totally well-meaning family & friends. God bless them, they can't ask the simplest question about me right now without getting my wrath. {I spent a wonderful afternoon with my parents on Saturday, but to be honest when they showed up at the door looking shocked & commenting at the size of my stomach, I'll admit, I had some fairly violent thoughts towards them in that moment... looooove you.}

I'm sorry. I really am. It's just hard to handle all the questions & comments right now when I'm questioning so much myself...

Like, Is this ever going to end? What if I'm broken? What if I never go into labor? What is wrong with me that she hasn't come out yet? After all, I've already had one c-section...

I'm avoiding a lot of friends & family right now, also not going to church these days. I just can't face the "You're still pregnant?" and the "Where is that baby???"

I should be in the hospital right now, actually. I had an induction scheduled for tonight. At my appointment last Thursday my doctor handed me a card. "8pm, Tuesday 15th" it said. He doesn't want me going past 42 weeks {which I will be as of Friday - or Sunday according to Mr. Internet}. At first I thought, well okay! Here is a light at the end of the tunnel. In a week I will be holding my baby for certain, they won't let me go much further...

But as Tuesday approached, I found myself growing incredibly anxious. I didn't like having a deadline. I had a breakdown in the shower on Monday morning. Valentine's Day and I was bawling my eyes out and crying to God to please end this torture.

I realized that being "put on the clock" was stressing me out. Additionally, they technically don't have a great reason to induce me. Believe me, I'd LOVE to get this over with. However, induction creates a whole new set of complications, such as a drastically increased c-section rate and longer labors, more interventions. When I really got to thinking about it, I decided I didn't want to do the induction. I don't want or need a deadline quite yet.

My blood pressure is fine, glucose levels good, baby is active, ultrasounds good, weekly non-stress tests are good... why rush nature? I'm also not considered "favorable" for induction, which is never a good place to start, and that definitely raises my c-section chances. Even though I'd really love to end this... I just... can't.

I don't think my doctor is really very happy about my decision, but I don't care. I have to be patient, so does he.

Speaking of patience, wouldn't you know this is something I've been praying for in recent months? Ha! My impatience is what I consider to be one of my greatest character flaws. I'm horribly impatient.

So I've been asking God lately to "teach me patience". Again, the irrational side of myself is kicking my own butt right now for requesting such a lesson. What is wrong with me? The logical Heather inside of me knows it's probably good for me, like vegetables, because this is some serious practice in patience.

The logical Heather also knows, you can't be pregnant forever. As Psalm 139 says, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made", I can do this by the grace of God. Violet will come when it's time, because "all the days ordained for [her] were written in your book before one of them came to be..."

Here's to hoping that first day is NOW.